Can't Stop Won't Stop...

Hello lovelies!!!  This week has been...interesting.  I entered a contest at my gym.  It's called the year of wellness and the prize is a year of free membership among other GREAT things including free monthly massages.  Can we say yes please, lol.  So, it was really my trainer who encouraged me to do this.  You know something, now is a good time to talk a bit about my trainer.

I am not a person who believes in things happening by chance; it's not by chance that people come into our lives and often they are put there for a reason.  When I signed up to go to FFC (my gym), I was actually interested in another place but they came up in my google so I just went with it.  After I signed up part of the promotion for that month was 6 personal training sessions.  Because of my medical "situation" it was decided that it would be best if I worked with the Fitness Director...let's call him "Miester".  So, in talking to Miester he told me that his wife was a doctor and that he would use her for a reference about my limitations, etc.  This was my first sign that this was meant to be and that this was God's plan.  So, he told me that I needed to get medical clearance before we could work together and for me it would be a bit more involved than the average person. While I was waiting for everything to come back he wanted me to come in and do 20 mins of cardio to start breaking myself in.  In all honesty I think Miester was trying to test me to see how serious I was about everything, so I did it.  I came in on the days I didn't have treatment and rode that little bike...this lasted for one month.  A heart monitor and many pieces of paperwork later it was time for our first session.  That was almost 2 years ago.  We've been busting moves every since.  To attest to how great of a trainer he is he was promoted to open one of the newest clubs as the Fitness Director.  About a month ago he was promoted again to General Manager running his own club.  And yet he still manages to find the time to train me.  I KNOW that I wouldn't be as far as I am in journey without him.  Not only is there the accountability factor but he really believes in me.  Dare I say he believes in me more that I may believe in myself.

And that's how I ended up in this dang contest.  Miester seems to think I have this thing sowed up.  I, on the other hand feel differently.  This contest is really forcing me out of my box. This contest tests every idiosyncrasy that I have.  I don't like depending on other people or really asking for help.  This contest forces me to depend on others.  Unfortunately for me, my last name is Taylor and that means we don't quit, lol.  So, as I resolve to see this contest through to the end and give it my all, I'm going to believe in myself as everyone around me believes in me.  See you guys at the winners' circle :) 

A Ramen Twist

I promised a dear friend that I would post a recipe for ramen that I made the other night...because I am a woman of my word here it is with an attempt to turn it into a blog post.

Last Friday was definitely our first taste of winter.  It was downright cold and the wind felt like it was slicing through you.  Someone, who shall remain nameless, refused to cut the heat on in my house therefore I wanted something warm to go with my side of blankets.  I thought about ramen noodles but one of the hardest things about dialysis is all of the dietary restrictions.  One of the biggest ones is making sure your sodium intake is low.  Excessive salt makes you retain water and for someone who also has to watch their fluid intake, yea, you get the picture.  So, my culinary wheels started turning and I thought, "Self, why can't I just make my own ramen?"  And a new dish was born!!!!  There are still some tweaks I want to make on it and I had limited resources but its a great base to start out with.  

Shrimp Ramen

A closer picture so you can see what's in it...nom nom nom

So, to start this lovely bowl I took a pot and put about 2 cups of low sodium chicken broth in.  I chopped up some onion, carrots, and grated in two cloves of garlic but this is where you can go wild!!!  Like I stated before, I had limited resources but grated ginger would be FANTASTIC...it would add a nice warmth and spiciness to the broth.  Essentially what you're doing is fortifying, or flavoring, your broth because it's really the base of the soup.  Then I added about two tablespoons of sriracha.  If you don't have this in your arsenal of pantry staples, I IMPLORE that you add it.  It's garlicky, spicy and a little goes a looong way.  After the sriracha, I added a teaspoon of red pepper flakes (I love things spicy...the hotter the better).  I try to stay away from soy sauce because it is nothing but sodium, but in the instances I need some for a recipe I keep a stash of packets from take out Chinese restaurants to use.  Small portions and they're FREE, lol.  I added one pack to the broth along with some kosher salt, course ground black pepper and onion and herb Mrs. Dash seasoning.  Next, I need some acid to balance out the heat.  Ideally, you will want to use fresh citrus juice such as lime or lemon juice.  Unfortunately I had neither so I used a combination of vinegars.  I know, I know but you'd be surprised, lol.  I used hot pepper infused vinegar, regular white vinegar and red wine vinegar.  Now, I haven't put measurements for the vinegar because I tend to be VEEEEEERY heavy handed with it...I can never have enough.  For the average person a few shakes of each will suffice...for me that's a tease, lol.  I allowed the broth to come to a simmer and popped some peeled, raw shrimp in.  It was about a fourth of a pound.  I allowed the shrimp to cook until pink, mere minutes, and pulled them out.  This also helps to fortify the broth with a little shrimpiness (yes that's a word, lol.)  After removing the shrimp I turned the pot up to a medium high heat and let it come to a rolling boil and let it reduce to about half.  I then took some whole grain thin spaghetti and placed it in the broth to cook.  I did this so that the starch from the pasta would give the broth a little viscosity...so the broth wouldn't be so thin.  One of the best parts of soup is slurping the broth at the end and it has to feel smooth going down, lol.  After the noodles were al dente, I allowed them to rest in the broth for a few additional minutes so that they could absorb some of that broth and just make everything taste really flavorful. Now, I will say after making the soup I did contemplate instead of sort of poaching the shrimp earlier in the process that maybe adding them at the end and letting the hot broth cook them slowly so they don't get overdone could be an option.  My only concern with that is the broth won't get that shrimpy punch I'm looking for.  If you decide to give that method a try, PLEASE let me know how that works for you.  I transferred my broth, noodles and shrimp to my bowl and added a handful of fresh spinach.  I allowed the heat from the broth to wilt it down in the soup to keep it from making it overdone and bitter.  The only thing I was really missing was a garnish of scallions...that would have taken that bowl straight to heaven! After that, I proceeded to take my bowl into my warm bed, with my ice cold seltzer, and slurp my noodles and watch tv.  Perfect Friday night.

Now for the tweaks, I will DEFINITELY make sure I have limes on hand the next time.  Fresh citrus brightens up all flavors and adds a nice, sharp cleanness to any dish.  I would even recommend a squeeze right before you dig in.  Another tweak is that I have to remember that the longer you cook something with spicy components, the hotter they get.  I was a tad overzealous with the sriracha and almost set my soul on fire.  I did try adding some honey to balance it, but the unfortunate thing about adding TOO much spice is that it is hard to reverse it.  Lastly, I want to make sure my ingredient game is a little tighter.  I feel like some ginger, five spice, bok choy, celery, fresno peppers and other fresh produce could have really taken it to another level.  Don't get me wrong, I devoured my bowl but I'm all about taking something small and improving it to make it sensational.  

Sorry this doesn't have precise measurements, times, etc., but this literally was something I got out of bed and put together in my head as I was going along...but take that as a nugget to embrace.  Cooking isn't always about being exact...know what it is you like and go from there, you're tastebuds will NEVER steer you wrong.

I hope this was helpful and that you enjoy it honey!!!  Let me know how it turns out.

Oh yea, don't feel like you must use shrimp either.  I like them because I can get a pound of medium, shelled uncooked ones for about $7 and that's enough for two meals.  Also, shrimp have practically NO calories but are very high in protein.  Chicken is always a great alternative, I would just suggest cutting it thin enough that it cooks quickly to preserve some of its juiciness.  

A martini would go will great with this too...a sake one...let me start researching that, lol

Transparency

Hello loves!!!  It's been awhile but not without reason.  This blog is a moment of transparency for me.  If nothing else, I want this blog to not only inspire that person wanting to lose weight to get motivated to do so but I also want it to help others understand life is not easy.  We are often dealt hands that we feel we aren't prepared to play, but in the midst of tough times there is always a reason to smile.  When they say let a smile be you're umbrella, believe in that.  Never give up...keep pressing even when it doesn't seem possible.

So, I haven't been updating because I've been in a weird place with my weight lost journey.  While I have been working out faithfully my eating hasn't been as clean and healthy as I'm used to.  I haven't lost any weight in about 3 weeks and that doesn't make me feel like smiling, lol.  To get straight to the point, I feel discouraged right now. I did go to the transplant dietitian and I didn't get bad news...but it certainly wasn't the news I was looking for.  She told me that she would STRONGLY suggest to the surgeon and interdisciplinary team to allow me to start my work up so that I can at least began accruing time towards my transplant but that in the two month before I go back to see her that I needed to lose as much weight as possible to make the persuasion easier.  Suga Honey Iced Tea, what do these people want from me?  Again, that didn't make me feel like smiling.  So you can now imagine my frustration with not losing in any weight in the past couple of weeks.  

This is holiday season.  While everyone was preoccupied with getting stretch pants full on Thanksgiving I was focused on filling my plate with veggies and limiting my carbs to not negate all the exercise I'd done prior in the week...only to have the food be extremely salty and make me retain hella water and that stirs up a whole other pot of troubles for me.  Lets just say, Friday I was ready to give up.  Just be content with the weight I've lost and figure the rest out.  Saturday I ate as if I'd never been on a diet.  The thing about change is that it doesn't give up on you like you may try to give up on it.  I went out with a friend at midnight to get tacos.  Talk about feeling convicted.  The entire ride over I was having a conversation with myself in my head expressing my disappointment in my decisions.  I had to get really honest with myself.  I knew that I'd fallen off the wagon and that I've come to far to acquire my new habits to just let them go.  Now, while I did eat those two tacos and enjoyed every bite I knew that today was my opportunity to start over.  To get back on track and continue my journey.  And that's what I did!

I got up this morning and started my day with a protein shake.  Vanilla powder, frozen cranberries and peaches with fresh spinach.  I did aerobics for 45 mins. straight without stopping.  I did laundry and cooked dinner while I had my second shake.  I sat down and dealt with what was making me so nonchalant about something that is so important to me.  I can't give up y'all.  This isn't a vanity thing...this is my life we're talking about.  I'm trying to live and when I say that aloud to myself I realize that not doing right isn't even an option.  Too many people believe in me and have gone out of their way to help me reach my goal.  I can't let them down and I can't let myself down.

This post may not have my usual lighthearted tone but this moment of transparency was for me.  I needed to get in my own face to snap me back into reality.  I've come too far to go back.  All those gym sessions won't be in vain. All of that clean eating and choosing healthy things over more appealing food will not be in vain.  True, I haven't lost any weight but I haven't gained any either so instead of being so hard on myself about what I haven't done I'm going to smile and take joy in what I have accomplished.  This hand I've been dealt seems real unfair at times but it's the only hand I've got so I'm going to do the best I can and you guessed it, smile at the same time :)  

And the Point of it All…

 

Hello Lovelies!!! So…tomorrow is my appointment with the transplant dietician. The last time I went to see this lady she sent me on a downward spiral to hell. I have NEVER been so discouraged, frustrated and just plain disappointed as the day I left her office. Essentially, the only thing keeping me from being placed in the transplant registry is my weight. At the start of my weight loss journey I was about 120 pds heavier than they wanted. Today I PROUDLY say that I am about 50 pds away from their goal weight. That sounds awesome sauce right???? WRONG!!!! The reason I even decided to go ahead and start the process is because every other doctor that must evaluate me for a trasnplant gave me the green light and suggested because I made such an effort to lose weight that a few pounds shouldn't make a big difference…WRONG AGAIN!!!! That lady told me NO and put me on a two protein shake a day diet and basically told me to do better. THAT was the part of that appointment that burned me clean up. Here I am busting my tail, albeit I was having a fun, but losing weight is HARD WORK and I will never tell anyone anything different. Here I walk in, head held high because I'd made real progress for once in my life and she tells me, "that's good, but do better." I wanted to tell that woman where she could shove her suggestions but instead I took the emotional route and cried, lol…crocodile tears. Then I went to the Olive Garden, lmbo!!!!! She asked me to lose 20-25 pds in 3 months. I gave myself 4. I'm actually not sure if I've even hit the target but I'm determined not to let this woman get me down. If I go in tomorrow and she tells me no again, yes I will cry because that's who I am, but I will go back to losing weight because it was fun and it made me feel good about myself…not for anything else. I apologize if this post is spastic…my body is requesting sleep right now but I just wanted to share this post J Wish me luck!!!

My First Recipe Blog

I'm back!!!!  This week has been really tough.  With my aunt suddenly passing and a few personal health issues, I needed some down time to try and rest...but I couldn't neglect my baby...my baby being my blog.  Today I'm going to post my first recipe post.  Its really simple and just a way to get my feet wet.  My photos aren't top notch...just a couple shots I captured with my phone, lol

One of my absolute favorite salads are Caesar salads.  I love the saltiness of the dressing, the simplicity of the ingredients and lets be honest...anything combined and covered with Parmesan cheese can't be wrong.  I go through phases where I become "fascinated" with things and when I made this Salmon Caesar salad I'd recently discovered making my own salad dressings.  If you've never tinkered with this, please do.  The difference between homemade dressing and bottled is unreal.  I decided to try my hand at Caesar dressing...without the raw egg.  I know, I know...when you order them in the restaurant that's how they make it but I like to "forget" that when I'm eating them and simply omit it at home.  It's yummy just the same, lol.  Everything is homemade, down to the croutons that are again life changing.  Let me just get to the recipe so you can experience this for yourself, lol.

The dressing was much simpler than I anticipated and what I actually did was incorporated a few elements of a greek vinaigrette that I found.  The caesar dressing recipe was found on www.foodnetwork.com and I just made a few tweeks here and there.

I make my salad dressings in the bowl to make clean up easier.  I used a few anchovy fillets and mashed them up with kosher salt to make a paste.  You can certainly just buy anchovy paste and and use a nice spoonful.  This adds a nice saltiness to the dressing and tons of flavor.  It's not fishy perse, but it does have a distinct taste that's familiar with most caesar dressings.  Next I added about 2 teaspoons, or two good squirts, of dijon mustard.  This acts as the emulsifier.  In traditional caesar dressing the egg is what brings everything to together to make it thick and creamy.  In this recipe the mustard does the job adding a bit of complexity.  Next, I grated a garlic clove in using a microplane and pretty much dumped the following in: a few generous dashes of Worchestershire sauce, the juice from a lemon, some grated parm, and black pepper.  I mixed this together and SLOWLY poured in extra virgin olive oil and whisked until it became salad dressing.  Simple.

Next I made my croutons.  I took a sourdough loaf and cut some cubes that were mouthsome pieces...not too big, not too little.  While I was cutting my bread I took a heavy bottomed skillet and added EVOO.  Under a medium heat, I crushed a garlic clove and allowed it to slowly infuse the oil with flavor.  When making croutons you don't want garlic chunks but just the garlic taste.  

After the oil is properly seasoned, I added a pat of butter for more flavor and a teaspoon of dried Italian season and put my bread in tossing frequently so that they can brown evenly and  get toasty.

While I waited for the croutons to toast I prepared the salad and salmon.  I kept the seasoning on the salmon very simple.  Kosher salt and pepper.  I seared them fleshed side down in a cast iron skillet in a couple shakes of EVOO for 8 mins.  I flipped the fish over and allowed it to go for another 4 mins before sticking it in a 350 degree oven for no longer than 10 mins.  You just want the fish to feel a bit firm to the touch.  

I added my salad veggies to my bowl of dressing.  This is entirely up to you and your taste.  In keeping with the simplicity of caesar salads I chose romaine lettuce, halved grape tomatoes, seedless cucumbers and some leftover broccoli I had...and that was it.  I mixed that in the bowl with the dressing and also added my croutons to give them a chance to soak up some of that salty, garlic goodness but not letting it sit long enough to lose their crunch.  

I plated the salad and added a piece of salmon on top and there you have it!  I finished it with a squeeze of fresh lemon juice.  I finish a lot of my food with fresh lemon juice...it enhances the flavor exponentially and makes the flavors taste almost clean.  

From point A to Z this is it!!!  Hope this was understandable...I will be getting better as I keep doing this and that you find it useful.  Until we meet again!

Carpe Diem

I'm sitting here watching one of my absolute favorite movies, Last Holiday with Queen Latifah. For those who haven't seen it the premise is that she lives an ordinary, routine life aside from her passion for recreating 5-star restaurant cuisines. She's diagnosed with a terminal illness and given a mere few weeks to live. She digs out her "book of possibilities" and travels to the Czech Republic to dine in her fav chef's restaurant and live the rest of her days the way she always should have…enjoying life and not worrying about tomorrow. She changes the lives of those around her and does things that most people only dream about and comes to the revelation that next time around, she's going to have more fun and live outside of the box. She finds out that she was misdiagnosed and takes it as a sign that she is being given another chance at life and opens a restaurant and keeps living. I think that's it in a nutshell, lol. The irony of this is that moments after I posted my last blog, my aunt suddenly passed away. Literally 10-15 mins after I published that blog I got the phone call she wasn't well…before my mother and I could get to the hospital she was gone. So why is this pertinent to this blog? I'm glad you asked, lol
On my next birthday I will be 30 years old. Most of my 20's, and I do mean most, were spent living inside a box. I did what was expected of me. I went to school…got a degree…did the advanced degree thing…had a good job…love life was questionable but that's an entirely different blog, lol. I stayed at home close to my parents because that was safe and that's what good girls did. Inside, I was longing for so much more. More than anything I wanted to live. Not your typical 20 year old live though…clubs, parties and things of that nature weren't really my scene. I had friends but their ideas of fun weren't exactly parallel to mine. There was a WHOLE world out there and I wanted to make my mark and get some of it. So what stopped me? Me…not only am I painfully bashful but I was scared. I had that TERRIBLE disease of, "what will other people think?" So I just lived in my box, dying to get out of it. And then I got sick and staying in that box wasn't completely voluntary anymore. In those moments I begin to get frustrated with myself for taking for granted all of the memories I could have made, all of the opportunities I passed by, all the stories I would never be able to tell others because I got comfortable in that box. This is when I decided that I was going to start living. One of my favorite anecdotes is "Youth is wasted on the young" and it is so true! At the beginning of this year I told myself I was going to set a tone for the year by going out and actually celebrating New Year's Eve. By doing that I was starting a trend that this year I was going to have some new experiences…in other words I was going to get me some business.
To try and make this long story go away, life is short. Shorter than any of us realize. As adults we will have responsibilities and people that may depend on us to get things done day to day, but that shouldn't stop us from living. There is nothing worse than a case of the should of, would of, could ofs! I refuse to let my "illness" keep me from living. I may not be able to do everything I want to but there are still plenty of experiences I can have. Wake up one morning and take a walk and just take in God's majestic beauty that is nature. Go to a homeless shelter and volunteer. These things humble you and make you appreciate the things you may take for granted. I won't get on my soapbox, I have a tendency to, but my Dad got sick right after I did and I had to take care of him. That experience truly changed me as a person. There is nothing like being selfless for someone else to teach you the lesson that this life is not about you so seize the day and make your mark on the world!!! Martini in hand J

Progress, not Perfection

Happy Friday Bloggies!!!  These past couple of days have been tough emotionally.  People, even those who love you, will try their best to disrupt your energy.  When I say that, sometimes when others are hurt by your actions or words instead of knowing how to express that they seek to make you hurt also, therefore disrupting your energy.  The problem with this is that essentially nothing gets fixed and the more time you give negative energy to fester, the harder it is to reverse it.  Life is short and it's okay to say, "This hurt me," to someone you love.  Most times its not even personal, but because we are selfish by nature we like to think that everything is about us and done towards us.  Well, that is my soapbox for the day and on to business.

I've been mulling over this topic for a couple of days now, Progress not Perfection.  I should make this the tagline for my life, lol.  If I give you nothing else with this blog, when going through a weight loss journey, or any journey for that matter, remember Progress not Perfection.  What does that mean to me...where shall I start.  Being overweight my ENTIRE life, as I've mentioned before, I've tried every diet known to man.  In a society where everything is so accessible we have lost the virtue of patience and want instant results with lasting effects.  That isn't how life works.  I've been offered gastric bypass numerous times and declined.  Why you may ask? It's not a quick fix.  Now, don't get me wrong, there are many people who benefit from the procedure and I am in no way putting down any who has had or is contemplating getting it.  What I am saying is that I know people who have gotten it, lost weight and subsequently put that weight plus some back on.  Whether you get a lap band, your stomach stapled or any of these available procedures, if you don't commit to changing your lifestyle, eating habits and incorporating some type of fitness into your life, then those procedures will be in vain.  We all want to lose 20 pounds in a week, but that just isn't realistic.  Furthermore, that isn't healthy for your body.  I always tell people, "your body will treat you as well as you treat it."  If you go to extremes to lose weight, it is going to talk back to you.  

So I'm saying all of this to get back to my point of Progress not Perfection.  Stop looking for everything to happen quick and take time to live in your progress.  Small victories add up to BIG wins.  Saying no to those bag of chips may seem like such a small notion, but do that enough times and you'll lose a couple of pounds.  You want to go out to dinner, do that and set small goals for yourself.  Tell yourself, "this time I won't indulge in that oh so enticing bread basket.  Next time, I'll be sure to order veggies as my sides."  This journey is not about perfection...that is what leads to sabotage.  You've been there, you just HAD to have that cookie, I mean you're human.  Afterwards, you feel like a failure but most importantly its that feeling of letting yourself down that drives you to keep going in the wrong direction.  STOP IT!  I'm very guilty of this myself...you can't gain back all the weight you've lost or unravel weeks of doing good all with one cookie...stop letting something so small have that much power!  Remembering this is what keeps me motivated on this journey.

I don't seek to be perfect, I just want to see the progression physically, mentally and spiritually.

R.I.P. Fast Food

Hello Bloggies! I couldn't wait to blog today. Maybe because I have spent some time organizing things this time around so that it doesn't feel like "a chore" perse. Because I spent a few mins last night getting this together I was soooo tired today. I took a two hour nap and I NEVER take naps…it was good too, lol. Well this blog is about fast food…and our slooooow, painful, heart wrenching divorce.
One of the things that I emphasize in my personal weight loss journey is the refusal to deny myself. That isn't a diet…that is prison. I am finding, especially in the last 2-3 months, that restaurant food just doesn't agree with me. And when I say doesn't agree with me I mean it's ENTIRELY too salty. It's heartbreaking! One of my favorite go-to restaurants was the Olive Garden. That place is sodium suicide. This past weekend I went with my mother as a treat. Whenever I dine out I use my CalorieKing app on my phone as a guide on the best choices. I literally couldn't find ANYTHING that didn't have at least 70 percent of your suggested daily sodium intake in it. I was frustrated, angry and HUNGRY! After further investigation I saw that the pasta e fagioli soup had about 30 percent of your daily value and decided on the unlimited soup and salad lunch offering. Even with that I got the salad dressing on the side because its sodium overkill…1 salad has 64 percent of your daily value!!!!!! Needless to say, even with using the dressing sparingly, by the end of the evening my fingers were tight and my clothes uncomfortable. Almost every time I eat at fast food restaurants this happens to me. The killer is that when I attempted to order something and request it with no salt or prepared in a low sodium manner it was explained to me that it wasn't possible because the sauces and broths are pre-manufactured and basically the cooks are just responsible for pulling the dish together. While I knew this wasn't 5 star cuisines I was getting, I thought the process was a little more intricate than pour premade sauce over prebreaded chicken cutlets and viola! to my table. That's disheartening. The healthiest thing I ordered was my iced tea, no sugar. Needless to say, as hard as it is, I have to break up with the Olive Garden…and it looks like it's on a permanent basis.
Now, I was very cautious not to include ALL fast food restaurants in this because I have gone places and this hasn't happened. The Cracker Barrel for instance NEVER makes me feel that way…unless I get the house salad with bacon, cheese, and salty Italian dressing but then you could say I was asking for it, lol. They're food seems to be prepared in a way where you have more input about what goes in and what you would like to keep out of it. Cooper's Hawk also doesn't make me feel like the Incredible Bloated Hawk. Just be leery of the soups….I tried the cream of mushroom once and my tongue turned to bacon. I usually opt for the Mediterranean salad with grilled salmon or shrimp for a low cal high protein add in. It's amazing and so fresh. I also get the dressing on the side because unless I make it myself, I know it's probably chocked full of preservatives and sugars. Surprisingly The Outback doesn't send my body into overload. I order the hearts of mahi, sauce on the side, and load up on sides of fresh salads with their mustard vinaigrette and steamed veggies. I also rarely order anything other than ice water or soda water with lemon/lime when eating out. It's cost efficient and better for you. If I'm feeling a bit indulgent I'll order plain iced tea and sweeten it with splenda or a soda water mixed with a few splashes of grenadine.
The purpose of this blog is to show you that eating out can be done while losing weight. My personal life is hectic to say the least and lots of times going out for a simple meal is a way for me to relax and socialize with those I might not see often. If I have to sit down and figure out ways to be able to do this and not negate all of the hard work I've put in to losing weight, it's definitely worth it to me. Life is short…we can deny ourselves and not be happy or find a happy medium…with a martini

I’m Back, but I Never Stopped :)

Time is a funny, funny thing…it escapes us before we know it…and that's exactly what has happened with my blog, lol. I always say that I'm going to sit down and keep this thing moving and a day has become a week…a month…and actually a year. I'm so ashamed, lol. The good news is that I'm back and focused. I know that I won't update daily but they won't be that few and far inbetween. The GREAT news is that I haven't stopped my weight loss journey. A year and some change later I have about 50 pds to go until I have reached my goal weight. I can't believe it. I mentioned in my other post that I had a reason why I began this journey and I would elaborate at a later time, well there is no time like the present.
When I was 19 years old I was away in college, enjoying all of those things that college students do when my body began to do some strange stuff. I was swelling out of control, I mean to the point the skin on my legs would tear. I was running to the bathroom every 20 mins. I was BEYOND fatigued and doing anything but ordering food to eat was a chore. Needless to say, the University felt it would be best for me to return home to reevalute some things, lol. I came home weighing 407 pds trying to figure out just how I got there. I went to the gastro doctor not looking to have weight loss surgery, but hoping she could put me on a disciplined plan so that I could leave the realm of "two tons of fun". I went to the appointment, did the bloodwork and came home oblivious that I would receive a phone call that night that would be THE defining moment of my life. The doctor called me in a panic saying that I needed to go the ER to be admitted to the hospital immediately. Now the funny thing about this is that she was actually talking to my mother and I was just standing there trying to decipher what on earth was going on. My mother hung up the phone saying the doctor would call back with more instructions but there seemed to be some problems with my kidneys. To give you a small back story about this, my father was diagnosed with kidney failure in 1982…a year before I was born so kidney disease was not foreign to me, but it was foreign to ME. Before I had a chance to process what COULD be going on the doctor called back to say I didn't need to be admitted but that I did need to see a kidney doctor and asaputually. What she didn't know is that she was sending me to the same doctor who was not only my fathers's doctor but the woman I credit with keeping him alive these past 30 years.
After many, and I do mean MANY tests they diagnosed me with nephrotic syndrome or a chronic kidney disease. Initially, they told me this may have occurred because I was so heavy so they immediately sent me to a dietician who put me on a calorie-counting plan so that I could lose weight. After further testing they realized that my disease was actually hereditary but losing weight couldn't hurt. So for about a year I went to this dietician and I lost about 80 pds. And let me tell you I knew I was fabulous, lol. Because it was such a restrictive plan I became complacent and felt a need to dip back into my old ways from time to time to fulfill that feeling of being deprived. The exceptions went back to being the rules and slowly I crept back up gaining everying but about 20 pds back. That's when life decided to hit the fast forward button on me.
In September 2008 I went for a routine check up with my kidney doctor. She called me that evening and told me that I needed to come back in sooner than usual. It was during this appointment that she told me that things were declining and at a rapid rate and that I needed to start preparing myself to start dialysis. Whooooooa, crazy doctor woman say WHAT????? I'd lasted 6 years on medications that sustained my kidney function but there were no guarantees that these meds would work forever. At this point I was 25, working a decent job, in grad school full-time and now I was faced with having to give that all up. Needless to say I was knee deep inside of my feelings, but there was nothing anyone could do…this was the situation and it wasn't changing.
I have to be honest…I don't really remember 2009, lol. I spent the year still working, still in grad school full time, but what none of my classmates or co-workers knew was that in my personal time my kidney's were failing and I was trying to get ready to start dialysis. Then started the surgeries. I had to have 3 separate surgeries to obtain a working access site in my arm. Yea, when you're a student and a social worker writing is sort of essential, lol. I can remember around November is when I started to feel what was going on in my body. I spent most years feeling fine and often forgetting about my "little problem" but it definitely began to get my attention. At this point my professors insisted that I withdraw from school to focus on my health but really I couldn't keep up in my classes mentally or physically and it was really giving my self esteem a beating. I was still working and was forced to disclose to my co-workers what was going on. When you come to work with a scar from your wrist to your elbow people tend to ask questions, lol. Back to November, I dropped down to part time but even that was still taxing. I can remember my last Friday at work and it was 30 mins before my shift was supposed to be over and I was sitting literally in tears because I had no idea how I was going to walk to my car to get home because I felt just that bad. I'll never know how I made it through that weekend, but somehow I did.
On January 18, 2010 I had my first dialysis treatment. It was funny because most people don't get to choose the day they start but I did, lol. I remember that day and it was like the elephant in the room that no one wanted to acknowledge. I remember getting dressed to go and telling myself that it was no big deal. I had been in this unit a million times growing up visiting my Dad but the MAJOR oversight in this thinking was this time it was for me. I remember driving over by myself with my parents behind me. I remember parking my car and taking a few moments to gather myself before walking in. I remember hitting that door, seeing the social worker waiting for me in the lobby and absolutely losing it, lol. And then my mother lost it, lol. My father stood there and looked at us both like we were lunatics, lol. I remember finishing that treatment and feeling like it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Even 2 ½ years later, it still isn't the worst thing I've ever endured. Make no mistakes, it SUCKS, but I'm grateful for a means to live.
Now all of that was to bring me to this point, why I'm on this weight loss journey. Dialysis is time consuming and does greatly interfere with my quality of life. I can't drink what I want, eat what I want, travel when I want…its quite the thorn in my side. The easiest, but oh so hard to obtain, solution is an organ transplant. I have been blessed to have THE premiere transplant doctor working with me so I have to get on his accord. And that means losing weight. This time last year when I started this blog I was 100 pounds away from my goal. To have worked my way halfway through is nothing short of a miracle. I want to document EVERYTHING that happens up until I reach that milestone. Doctor appointments, workout sessions with my trainer who I will talk about much more in a later post, and most importantly my DIET because that's what brought me here. I want to inspire others to fall in love with food as I did but learn that food doesn't have to be unhealthy to be good to and for you. It's about a lifestyle and depriving yourself isn't apart of that. It's about finding ways to satisfy your taste and energize and nourish your body.
If you get nothing out of this novel that I've written, understand this. Life will hand you lemons. It's up to whether you make lemonade or a martini J