Transparency

Hello loves!!!  It's been awhile but not without reason.  This blog is a moment of transparency for me.  If nothing else, I want this blog to not only inspire that person wanting to lose weight to get motivated to do so but I also want it to help others understand life is not easy.  We are often dealt hands that we feel we aren't prepared to play, but in the midst of tough times there is always a reason to smile.  When they say let a smile be you're umbrella, believe in that.  Never give up...keep pressing even when it doesn't seem possible.

So, I haven't been updating because I've been in a weird place with my weight lost journey.  While I have been working out faithfully my eating hasn't been as clean and healthy as I'm used to.  I haven't lost any weight in about 3 weeks and that doesn't make me feel like smiling, lol.  To get straight to the point, I feel discouraged right now. I did go to the transplant dietitian and I didn't get bad news...but it certainly wasn't the news I was looking for.  She told me that she would STRONGLY suggest to the surgeon and interdisciplinary team to allow me to start my work up so that I can at least began accruing time towards my transplant but that in the two month before I go back to see her that I needed to lose as much weight as possible to make the persuasion easier.  Suga Honey Iced Tea, what do these people want from me?  Again, that didn't make me feel like smiling.  So you can now imagine my frustration with not losing in any weight in the past couple of weeks.  

This is holiday season.  While everyone was preoccupied with getting stretch pants full on Thanksgiving I was focused on filling my plate with veggies and limiting my carbs to not negate all the exercise I'd done prior in the week...only to have the food be extremely salty and make me retain hella water and that stirs up a whole other pot of troubles for me.  Lets just say, Friday I was ready to give up.  Just be content with the weight I've lost and figure the rest out.  Saturday I ate as if I'd never been on a diet.  The thing about change is that it doesn't give up on you like you may try to give up on it.  I went out with a friend at midnight to get tacos.  Talk about feeling convicted.  The entire ride over I was having a conversation with myself in my head expressing my disappointment in my decisions.  I had to get really honest with myself.  I knew that I'd fallen off the wagon and that I've come to far to acquire my new habits to just let them go.  Now, while I did eat those two tacos and enjoyed every bite I knew that today was my opportunity to start over.  To get back on track and continue my journey.  And that's what I did!

I got up this morning and started my day with a protein shake.  Vanilla powder, frozen cranberries and peaches with fresh spinach.  I did aerobics for 45 mins. straight without stopping.  I did laundry and cooked dinner while I had my second shake.  I sat down and dealt with what was making me so nonchalant about something that is so important to me.  I can't give up y'all.  This isn't a vanity thing...this is my life we're talking about.  I'm trying to live and when I say that aloud to myself I realize that not doing right isn't even an option.  Too many people believe in me and have gone out of their way to help me reach my goal.  I can't let them down and I can't let myself down.

This post may not have my usual lighthearted tone but this moment of transparency was for me.  I needed to get in my own face to snap me back into reality.  I've come too far to go back.  All those gym sessions won't be in vain. All of that clean eating and choosing healthy things over more appealing food will not be in vain.  True, I haven't lost any weight but I haven't gained any either so instead of being so hard on myself about what I haven't done I'm going to smile and take joy in what I have accomplished.  This hand I've been dealt seems real unfair at times but it's the only hand I've got so I'm going to do the best I can and you guessed it, smile at the same time :)