No Turning Back...

I think that's my theme for this year...I'm facing things head on and there's no turning back!

This is definitely about a year of changes for me.  I've been taking risks lately.  I've had long hair for the past 10 years.  Loooooonger hair for the past 5.  A simple trim of my ends would send me into tears, lol.  Last Tuesday, I walked into a new hair salon (I don't trust very many people to do my hair so this was also a risk), sat in the chair and told the stylist to cut all my hair off.  That's right.  No baby steps.  No inbetween cut...I cut it all off.  I didn't cry, I wasn't upset...it was actually freeing.  It felt good to step out my box and I LOVE my new haircut!  I look like a different me and I like it :)

Also in these changes, operation eliminate my butt in the front is in a little more than 24 hours.  I won't admit it to anyone but I'm scared y'all.  Going in that pre-op appointment...this is going to be a little more invasive than I anticipated.  I'll be hospitalized for a few days and yea...I just thought this was an easy, same day home kind of thing.  It's not, lol.  I just want to know what I will look like.  And to get past the pain...the mickey fickey pain because I KNOW this will separate the men from the boys.  Ay yi yi...I've asked myself no less than 20 times, "Baby, what have you gotten yourself into!?!" I know it's a blessing and in the end its the right thing and honestly I've worked VERY hard and earned this...but that doesn't make it any less scary.  It's funny, Thursday my trainer changed up my entire workout (he likes doing this often) and asked me "Do you remember when you were afraid of change?"  And it took me back to when we first met...Change still shakes me up a bit but now I face it head on without turning back...Some of my biggest accomplishments to date have been because despite what I felt, I allowed change to do what it's supposed to do...elevate me and make me stronger.  I'm trippin about this surgery now, but it's just another step on the ladder of change that's getting me closer to who I'm supposed to be.  So although I'm scared to death, I'm going to hold my head high, walk with authority and allow this change to be another notch in my belt.  

I'll be down for awhile but I will be around more during my recovery period.  I'm sure I'll have some overly emotional, dramatic posts to share with you since I will be stir crazy from sitting still which leads to senseless overthinking, lol.  For those who read my thoughts on a regular basis, thank you for taking this journey with me...it's been an interesting one to say the least.  I'll see you Lovies...slimmer and better than before!

Question...

Have you ever just felt lost?  Like there is so much going on and so much to try and process that somewhere along the way everything has sucked you up and in and you just feel....lost.  I feel that way right now.  To say my life is chaotic right now would be an understatement.  I am literally living my life by phone calendar.  I have constant reminders set up because I don't want to forget to do anything.  I'm constantly thinking two steps ahead of myself because I don't want to make a misstep.  Mentally, I'm just exhausted.  I've been in this place before but I think the difference is emotionally, I feel everywhere.  I pride myself in being able to keep my emotions "in check"...I'm not doing a good job of that right now.  I think because most of the stuff going on is isn't just physical but very emotional also.  When I was younger the way I would deal with my emotions was eat and be mean to the world while I cried in private ALL the time.  Needless to say, that aided in me being overweight and well, people didn't enjoy being around me that much, lol.  I went and got some help to learn how to deal with my emotions and started this whole weight loss journey to reverse all the damage eating them did.  Now, instead of allowing my emotions to drive me to eat poorly, I've channeled them into helping me eat even healthier.  The thing is, I feel that mean person on the rise and I don't like that.  With lots of prayer and self-work, I've worked hard to become a person that I not only love but someone I am extremely proud of...I don't want the stress of a few bad weeks to undo all of that.  I don't want to lose that positive, encouraged, HAPPY disposition that I've built.  Lately, I've been spreading myself sooooooo thin trying to please everyone that it has made me feel so inadequate.  I feel like I've had the same conversation multiple times with multiple people in just a few days...just tell me what it is you want from me so that I can try my best to do it and everyone can be happy...I just don't know what to give people anymore.  I'm really tired of trying to figure it out.  I apologize this isn't one of my more lighthearted posts, but it is honest.  One thing about me, I try to be as honest and authentic as I can.  I try to keep people around me who are the same.  When I feel that is compromised, it makes me want to isolate a bit just to reevaluate what's going on around me.  I don't even know if any of this makes sense  right now.  I haven't blogged in awhile and this is where my head is so I thought I'd share.  Tummy tuck surgery is in 12 days.  I will definitely be back before then, probably Monday since that is my pre-op appointment, just to give you the logistics of what's going to happen.  Praying for better days...